Just call me Sister Sam

JUST CALL ME SISTER SAM

I know many of you that know me will find it surprising to learn that at one point in my life I decided I wanted to become a nun.  It never happened but at the time I thought it was my 'calling'.  Here's my story.

In eighth grade I decided I wanted to become a nun, not your regular kind of nun, but a missionary nun.  I was attending Holy Rosary Catholic school when this revelation occurred.   We were living in Milton, Ontario and for whatever reason that I didn't understand, my mom and Tex decided that I should become catholic.  This decision had actually been made when we were still living in Scarborough but now it was official.  Maybe they made this decision because he was catholic, although I had never seen him attend church even when we visited his family in Cleveland.  They were devote catholics and so different from him in every possible way.

We had moved to Milton towards the second half of grade 6 and I immediately started the process of becoming catholic.   I was baptized, then received first communion and eventually was confirmed.  I was the biggest kid receiving the sacrament of Holy Communion.  The majority of the kids were in grade 2 while I was in grade 7.  Somewhere there is a picture of me in a white dress, white shoes, white socks, standing with my mom and one of my teachers outside the church.  He was the only male teacher in our school and all the girls, including me, had a crush on him he was so good looking.  One time he went to battle with Mother Superior about the need for the girls to be able to wear shorts or pants for phys. ed.  He lost.  Anyways I looked absolutely silly in that dress with the crinoline underneath it and the ankle socks.  When I finished all of the ceremonies my full name was Lynda Anne Theresa Zelasko.  The last name was Tex's, not mine.  It was one of those questions that remained unanswered for me:  why did I have to take his name, he wasn't married to my mom nor had he ever adopted me.

Church became a big part of my life.  It was my escape from home, from Tex;  it was my sanctuary.  I went to church just about every morning before school and on Sundays.    On Friday afternoons I cleaned the church; putting bibles and choir books back in the holders on the back of the pews, vacuumed the carpet, and refilled the candles.  I remember one Friday I was in the church cleaning when all the kids, teachers and the other nuns arrived.   John F. Kennedy had been shot and everyone had come to pray for him.  It was amazing to me at that age how so many Canadians were affected by his death.

I loved Mary, Jesus' mother.  She was always there looking down on me with her heart on her chest and her arms open as if she was saying "come here my child".   I  consider myself a spiritual person but to this day I still love Mary.   I could talk to her about anything and I did.  I told her about the things that were happening at home, about my mother,  about how sad and lonely I felt and even about my crush on Doriano Poloni.  She always seemed to listen.

A number of the teachers at the school were nuns.  One of my favourites was Sister Bernadette.  She was so beautiful.  In the winter I would sit with her class at lunch time while the kids ate.  I would do printing on the board for her.  In my naivety I remember thinking that if she wasn't a nun she could have any man she wanted.  She had found her man though; it was God.  She married him like all nuns do.   I never understood that aspect of being a nun;  how do you marry someone who isn't real, like in flesh and blood real, you know someone who hugs you or holds your hand.

Sister Bernadette would talk to me about being a nun.  She told me that her room was very plain.  She also told me about how the nuns go on retreat together.  They had a place somewhere in Ontario where they would go for their 'vacation'.  The only other people there were other nuns.  I wondered if they wore their habits or if they could wear regular clothes, if they had any.  I wondered what they would talk about.  I knew they must have swimsuits because Sister Bernadette told me they were near a lake and had a private place where they could go swimming.  I bet they never went skinny dipping!

Then there was Sister Antoinette, otherwise known as Mother Superior.  You could tell she was in charge by the way she walked.  As a student you did not want to make her cross.  She carried a wooden ruler with her when she was in class and she would slam it hard on the desk if the students weren't paying attention or were talking in class.  She even used it on kids who were disobedient which was a sin that you would have to confess to the priest and then later say penance.

I believe it was spring when my revelation about becoming a nun occurred.  Mother Superior announced that the grade eight class was going to have some visitors who were going to do a presentation.  We were all quite excited as we never had visitors at our school other than a Bishop who came one time but I don't remember why.  So in walked these nuns, about 5 or 6 of them and they were all dressed in white.  They looked angelic to me.  I was truly in awe.  They talked about the fact that they were missionary nuns who were going to Guatemala to do God's work in one of the small communities.  They would help teach the children, bring the word of God to the people and help with medical care.  I sat and listened to every word they said, watched the slides and decided right then and there I wanted to become a nun, a missionary nun, and travel to other parts of the world to help people.

The next day I asked to speak with Sister Antoinette.  We met in her office.  I told her that I wanted to become a nun.  I thought she would be so proud of me, that she would get me started right away on becoming a novice;  perhaps I would be able to live with her and the other nuns in the convent.  Was I wrong.  She looked at me, smiled and said:  "It is a very big decision to make to become a nun.  It is a commitment you make for life.  You need to think about this".  That was the end of our conversation.  It was also the end of my revelation.

The notion of becoming a nun came and went very quickly.  I don't think I was really meant to become a nun, to live my life celibate, to love someone who would never really love me back in the way I needed.  I already had that not being loved stuff at home.  I will always remember the nuns at Holy Rosary School.  I felt safe with them, felt like I was somebody, somebody who mattered.

Recently I  shared this story with my son.  He was shocked that I had ever thought about becoming a nun.  He laughed even.  Then in his wisdom he said that Mother Superior must have known that I had to have him so I couldn't become a nun.    I don't believe that is even possible, that she knew that, but I am so glad that my life came to this wonderful place of having this incredible son of mine.

What about you?  Did you ever have a "revelation" that when you think back about it now you chuckle to yourself or wonder what would it have been like?