I Love My Body

The other night as the rain fell I lay in bed feeling the dampness in my bones.  My knees ached and as I tried to stretch them out I felt a tightness that ran from my hips to my toes.    My fingers asked to be rubbed and held.    As I lay there trying to find that comfort spot in the bed I found myself kneading the back of my neck, those knots that seem to live there permanently.   Lately nights seem to be full of tossing and turning, feeling the kinks and pains that seem to rack my body lately.  

In my wakefulness I thought about this body of mine and all it has been through in these 62 years.   I remembered doing cartwheels in my forties, one after another after another, laughing at myself and the joy of feeling like a kid.   When I was young I would climb to the top of trees and feel no fear of falling, of loving the view that lay before me; it was like being in another world, feeling closer to the sky.   At one time I decided to learn Karate.   Don't ask me what type because I really don't remember; it was the painful type.   It did feel good though, to feel strong in my body, my core.  I could do 50 push-ups followed by the same number of sit-ups without loosing my breath.   I honestly don't know when I last did a push up or if I even could.   


This body birthed two children, neither birth being easy, if there is such a thing.  I carried around this extra weight rubbing the beautiful buddha belly talking to the child growing inside me.  There were days when I couldn't believe that I could get so round.   The other day someone was talking about mowing their lawn and I remembered carrying my son around on my back pushing the lawn mower over our three quarters of an acre, a piece of land that wasn't flat.  It took hours to mow that lawn or so it felt like at the time.   


Several years ago a friend and I decided to walk around Cowichan Lake, a total of 56 kms., as a fundraiser for an organization we volunteer with.  By the time I crossed that finish line my feet were covered in blisters and I felt ready to pass out.  You should have seen my friend;  she had on a pair of sandals that she had worn for years and a mini-skirt; not what you would expect to see at this kind of event.   I've always been a walker but that was the furthest I have ever made these feet go.   My feet reminded me of that fact for days.  


My body has climbed to the top of a mountain in Austria.  It has paddled all of South Moresby in the Queen Charlotte Islands.   It has endured attempts at jogging or running.   It has been burned by the sun and put up with my sitting on a cold snow filled mound waiting with my camera for a beaver to appear from it's home.  I never saw that beaver.   


Over the years I've gained and lost weight, loving and hating my body with each pound that came on or off.   There are pictures of me that I actually hate to see.  I wonder who that woman is, she can't be me, I don't look like that.  Those are the pictures of me when the weight is on.   I remember last year showing a picture of me when I was thin to a group of people, telling them that even then I thought I was fat.   I sometimes wonder when do I just say okay, this is me and I am beautiful, I love this body of mine.    Some days I feel like I can accept this me, live with the extra weight but most times I dream of being thinner.   I wonder if it is the messages that we receive about what beauty is, of thin being sexy, more acceptable, that influences even me, me who rants about there being a size 0.   


I am truly grateful to my body for all it has given me, for putting up with all I have done to it over the years, for the abuse it has taken at the hands of others, for my pushing it to the point where it just says stop in it's own way, for carrying my two children and a third that never made it, for being there through this love hate relationship.


I'm finishing with this poem that I wrote.  

I Love My Body

she stands naked in front of the mirror

chanting her mantra to herself

afraid to say the words out loud

I love my body, I love my body

she believes it will make a difference

to how she sees herself

that if she can love the hills and valleys

the extra bits that have miraculously appeared

that it will somehow all just disappear

and she will feel the heat of sexual desire

parade around in lacy things

straddle her lover

devour her with kisses

 she stands naked in front of the mirror

chanting her mantra to herself

I love my body, I love my body

as the words float away

 in total disbelief

What about you.  What is your relationship with your body?  What has your body endured?   Do you feel that the messages we are given have affected how your feel about being in your own skin?